The Silly Akatsuki Meet Wonderful Sues
by Bleeping Bloop
Summary: Pein decides two man teams aren't enough for capturing the demons. He hears about super powered females called 'Mary-Sues', naturally he tries to recruit them. Many variations of Sues used. Many hurt Akatsuki members, very evil Itachi and a busty Hidan.


Pein summoned all of the Akatsuki via holograms to his presence. "Why the fuck did you call us," Hidan complained. "I was about to tear this motherfucker in half you should have seen it! Whoo! The look in his eyes-"

"Hidan," Sasori growled. "Be quiet. Leader, will you make this quick? I have business with someone very soon and as you know-"

"Silence," Pein bellowed. "Zetsu has just given me some very valuable information. Women have been spotted with amazing powers. Forbidden jutsu that surpasses that of a kage. This kekkei genkai is passed down primarily in women who's name ends in Sue."

"Shuee," Deidara asked. "What language is that, un?"

"Sue," Pein corrected. "It's a rare language these Sues speak. English, I believe. Some Sues speak an even rarer language called L three three seven."

"What do you plan on doing about them," Kisame questioned.

"Do they pose a threat to our orginization," Kakuzu added.

"I plan on recruiting them of course. So, no they don't pose a threat. I want each team to report to the nearest hideout. Zetsu has given these Sues the location of the top secret bases."

"Was that smart," Konan questioned.

"Why, not really. Anyways, Zetsu has confirmed that most of these Sues will willingly join Akatsuki. There's a small catch for some though, but I'll let you figure that out when you meet them."

"I think you should tell them, it's dangerous," Zetsu warned.

"No. More fun if they find out themselves."

"**True**," Zetsu agreed.

"How do we locate these Sues," Sasori asked.

"Well all Sues names' end in Sue. The most common is Mary Sue. There are our variations just listen for the Sue. A male Mary Sue is called a Gary Stu. They are uncommon and are rarer to see one willingly join Akatsuki."

"Is there another way? Anyone can make up their name," Kakuzu asked.

"Yes. They have hair that takes more than five words to describe and abnormally good looks that no ninja could possibly keep up with."

"What about us," Deidara interjected.

"Deidara, this is Akatsuki! You are automatically hot upon entery. No more stupid questions."

"Sorry leader, un."

"Idiot," Hidan yelled. "Try to imange Konan without the clouds. Ugly as sin and I've seen Kakuzu!"

"Thank you Hidan." Konan shot daggers at Pein and crossed her arms. "What I mean is Konan is hot no matter what. The just clouds help. But like I was saying about the Sues, they have beauty, strength, and they tend to be really annoying. To those of you who met Zetsu's subordinate, Tobi. Imagine him with a megaphone, multiplied, and on crack." The Akatsuki shuttered at this thought. "No complaints. Find the Sue and recriuit her. Dissmissed!"

* * *

Zetsu, Konan and Pein decided to wait in the base they were currently occupying for their Sue to arrive. Zetsu was not pleased. He had to meet a lot of them and, needless to say, he wanted to eat them all. "What is this nonsense about me not being hot," Konan questioned.

"I didn't mean it like that," Pein defended.

"How did you mean it?" Pein opened his mouth but thankfully, a slamming door cut him off.

"Like omg! Onee-chan! Onee-chan! It's the Akatsuki," a voice too perky for it's own good screeched. "Did you hear me call you onee-chan, onee-chan? I'm so kawaii!"

"Be quiet and stop pretending to like me, it hurts my already traumatized soul," a moopey voiced echoed. Two girls appeared before the three Akatsuki. One clad head to toe in black while the other wore the same outfit in pink.

"I'm Mary-Sue," the pink one squeeked.

"I'm her twin, Angsty-Sue. Not that you care," the other one dragged.

"My boobs are a quintiplezillion DD, my favorite animal is a puppy and I weigh exactly eighty three and a half pounds."

"What are you anorexic," Pein asked.

"No way your boobs are even an A never mind DD," Konan scoffed.

"You're just like the village we left," Angsty cried. "They always paid attention to her because she has the good half of the demon!"

"Did you say demon? As in you two are jinchuuriki?"

"Yeah," Mary chimed. "I have the thirteen tailed unicorn of love, peace and happiness!"

"I have the other half of her demon," Angsty added. "the thirteen tailed bat of sorrow, hate and general angst."

"That makes no sense," Zetsu stated. "Not only are those two separate animals but thirteen can't be divided in half."

"Nobody understands me," Angsty cried.

"It makes perfect sense," Mary stated. "I have six and a half tails that make up the positive energy while my sister has the negative half."

"**Good and bad spilt in half where have I seen that before**," Zetsu sarcastically pondered.

"Okay," Pein laughed. "Assuming you are telling the truth, you two willingly want to join Akatsuki?"

"Yeah," they both said.

"Well," Konan sighed, leaning back in her chair. "That was easy."

"But there is no such thing as the thirteen tailed bat, unicorn or any other animal," Zetsu pleaded.

"Yeah there is," Angsty whined. "Because of this monster inside of me the people of my village shunned me. I pretty much have the worst life ever. I mean, my parents fricken died! That's like as angsty as it can get."

"Then why is she so perky," Konan asked, pointing a finger at the pink one who was dancing.

"Well," Mary chimed. "Everyone loves me. I'm pretty, smart, funny, cute, strong, a hero, and so on. Before I joined the Akatsuki my parents got a little upset but they knew I was making the right choice, I always do."

"Wait," Pein interrupted. "I thought you said your parents died."

"The demon in me killed both of them," Angsty cried.

"I brought them back to life with my demon," Mary smiled

"Are they dead or alive," Zetsu asked.

"Dead."

"Alive."

"One of you is clearly lying," Pein stated.

"I never lie! That's so not kawaii. Onee-chan did you hear me again?"

"Of course you accuse me of lying. You hate me I can tell, just like everyone else in the world! You know, having a monster trapped inside of you is emotionally scarring. It doesn't help our dead triplet killed our entire clan. She was barely two when she killed everyone and then I had to kill her."

"A two year old killed your entire clan," Zetsu scoffed. Konan sighed, this was clearly getting nowhere fast.

* * *

Hidan and Kakuzu sat behind a small wooden table at the hideout they were chosen to occupy. Hidan leaned back in his chair and tossed a pen around. Kakuzu had a notepad in front of him and his head in his hand. The door quietly squeaked open and a fragile girl walked in. "State your name," Kakuzu commanded.

"I'm Copycat Sue," she squawked in a meek voice. She was shaking in fear at the two huge men. "Please don't hurt me."

"Well she's a Sue."

"Fucking pathetic if ya ask me-"

"Nobody asked you."

"Look at her, can't even hold her ground when we are fucking sitting. Hey ya pussy! Stand up and grow a spine."

The girl nodded and wearily stood up. Her back was hunched over as she held her arms protectively at her sides. She slowly started to approach the two when she tripped over a loose board on the ground. Hidan smacked himself.

"It can't be her. She can't even walk!"

"Shes not attractive either." Kakuzu was right, she had short brown hair with split ends beyond repair and huge glasses. She wore a thick turtle neck that came down to her knees and baggy pants under those.

"Just kill her."

"Gladly," Hidan smiled. He grabbed his pen and jumped at the girl. She narrowly dodged. "Oi! The bitch can move! How about this?" Hidan madly swung his pen around as she barely missed the onslaught of attacks.

"Wait," she squeaked. "I decided who I want to be."

"What," Hidan asked, stopping his attack. The girl lowered her glasses as a bright light engulfed her and Hidan.

* * *

"Holy crap! What the hell is that," Deidara panicked, pointing at what he would call the spawn of Satan walking into the room.

"It's an abomination," Sasori stated. "We should kill it. Put it out of it's misery."

"I don't want to die," The Sue whined, growing puppy dog eyes. This made Sasori and Deidara even more frightened.

"Ah! It can talk, un," Deidara yelled.

"Of course I can. I came to join the Akatsuki. My name is Furry Sue."

"Are you a runaway from Orochimaru," Sasori asked, trying to compose himself. Maybe this thing would be of use to him.

"No. I was born this way."

"With human parents," Deidara asked.

"Yes."

"What are they furries, un," Deidara asked.

"No, people like you and me." Sasori let out a low grunt.

"Okay then, why are you are fricken cat person?"

* * *

"H1 9uyZ 1'M L337 SP33k sU3!"

"What," Kisame asked.

"L337 SP33k sU3," she repeated. She waved innocently at the two. Itachi threw a kunai at her. It was way to early for him to be dealing with this shit.

* * *

"Wow that pussy before me was so pathetic. I'm the real motherfucking Copycat Sue," said one beamed. Kakuzu and Hidan just stated wide-eyed at her. "What do I have something on my face? Oh! You two are taken aback by how sexy I fucking look."

"Whaaa," was all Hidan could mumble.

"Hidan, poke her or something. Try to see if it's a jutsu," Kakuzu commanded. Hidan took the blunt end of his scythe and poked the girl. She giggled in response. The next logical thing on his mind was look at himself and see if he was looking into some crazy mirror. He looked down and saw the same ripped muscles, shoes, pants and cloak. "It's not a jutsu?" Hidan shook his head side to side.

"Of course it's not a fucking jutsu asshead. I swear to Jashin you two are the most retarded motherfuckers I have ever seen."

"What happened to that other girl," Hidan asked. He was completely and utterly confused about what he saw before him. It's like someone turned him into a girl. She had the same eyes, posture, scythe, necklace, pants and slicked back silver hair. The only thing that was different was she wasn't wearing the Akatsuki cloak, her hair was longer and a floating black censor bar over her boobs.

"I am the other girl, idiot."

"No you're not," Kakuzu stated.

"Okay. Retard, remember my name?"

"Copycat Sue? So you copy?"

"Bingo! Jeesh, seriously your supposed to be smarter than me?"

"And you copied Hidan?"

"To the tee motherfucker."

"I knew there wasn't a God."

"Don't you mean a Jashin?"

* * *

Sasori and Deidara nervously glanced at each other as they lead Furry Sue to the main base. Both of them trying to ponder what she could be.

_Well she has a tail_, Deidara thought. _Cat ears, whiskers, and oh god! Are those paws? What the hell is this thing!_

_She has to be one of his experiments_, Sasori pondered. _Only Orochimaru would create something as messed up as this. She could possibly be a distant cousin of Kisame's? He has some questionable DNA. _

"You two should stop staring," Furry stated. "I mean, I know I am the sexiest thing alive."

_"_You are a cat person," Deidara stated. "Only furries would find you hot, un."

"I know you like me Dei," Furry purred. Like actually purred. Deidara paled as she placed a paw on his shoulder and a tail around his waist. "I'm actually a neko person if that makes it better."

"It's the same thing," Sasori stated.

"No! Neko is ten times more kawaii ^_^"_  
_

* * *

"Kakuzu, seriously, convert to Jashinism!"

"Naw, we don't need someone as pathetic as him in my cult."

"Idiot, it's our cult."

"Kakuzu, pick up the pace! Your so fucking slow and I have to lug this huge scythe around!"

"Kakuzu, you cocksucker, the sun is in my eyes!"

"Kakuzu-chan, I'm hungry!"

"Kakuzu, let's get some ribs!"

"Fuck yeah!"

"Ow! Kakuzu you mother fucker! You put that rock there to trip me!"

"Asshole, why did you do that?"

"Are you even paying attention?"

"Ha! Kakuzu pay for something!"

Kakuzu is not happy. He killed both of them three times already but found out the other Hidan had immortality. He couldn't take it. "You two, shut up or I will kill you," Kakuzu hissed. He was hoping pure fear would get them to shut up.

"As if you could pull it off."

Kakuzu wasn't even sure who said that. It's like their voices morphed into one.

_One super Hidan._

Now, Kakuzu is not a man of tears, yet he found himself on the brink crying at his situation.

"Oh! Baby Kakapoo wanna cry?"

"Does he need his bottle?"

That's when genius struck him. If he couldn't fight then, have them fight themselves.

"Who ever is the most quiet loves Jashin more," Kakuzu smiled.

"Easy. I'm clearly his best follower."

"I don't think so bitch! Why do you think He gave me immortality."

"Hey retard, He gave me immortality too!"

"Staring now!"

Thanks to Kakuzu's smart plan the rest of the trip was carried out in relative peace. The Hidans occasionally flipped off the various inanimate object, but they caught themselves before they went on tirades about how they loathe trees.

* * *

"HI GUy$. I'M ReaLly 7iR3d 7o y0u hV3 ny," Itachi's weapon cut the girl off before she had a chance to spew any more nonsense. Kisame sighed as he added her corpse to the body pile.

"Itachi, you can't keep on killing everyone. Pein is going to be upset if we don't return with one," Kisame lectured. Itachi raised his eyebrow a fraction of an inch. The door flew open and yet another girl walked in. Itachi opened up his weapon pouch and locked on to his target.

"Hi," she said in a bored voice and in an understandable language. This didn't stop Itachi who prepared his weapon. "I'm Babies R'us Sue and well, I'm pregnant from one of the Akatsuki members." Itachi lowered his weapon, she was worth keeping.

"Who," Kisame asked.

"I don't know."

"Let's go Kisame," Itachi commanded, walking by the two. Oh the fun he was going to have bringing her back to Pein.

* * *

Well, as we all know Kakuzu's happiness either cannot last or doesn't happen at all. This was proven when the Hidans met their long time foe, the door. At first they tried pushing when it said pull. That was a five minute battle. Then, they each swung open the door so hard, it wiped their noses off. This could be traced to a half-assed stitching job on Kakuzu's part.

"Son of a bitch," They both yelled. Or one yelled and the other moved their mouth. They both put their hands over their gaping face hole and tried to search for their noses.

"Hey dick, that nose is mine."

"No, it's mine!"

"Look this one falls off my face!"

"Well duh! You put it on upside down."

"Give me my Jashin damn nose."

"Don't use Lord Jashin's name in vain!"

"Don't tell me how I can and cannot use my lord's name."

"I can- oh shit we both talked!"

"Dammit!"

"Wait, so does that mean Kakuzu loves Jashin the most?"

"Kakuzu-chan! I knew you'd see the light. Here you can use my pike to stab yourself."

"Make sure you get all five hearts."

Kakuzu growled as he walked inside the lair, plotting Pein's murder. After all, it is all his fault that Hidan was his partner. It is his fault he had to recruit this new girl. Somehow, it is his fault that she took Hidan's magical personality. Yes, Pein's demise would come swiftly.

* * *

"Rayne Bloodsplatter Love Love was walking through the forest with her baby's potential fathers. Her magically sparkling off yellow but not blonde because she isn't a prep hair was flowing in the wind," Babies R'us Sue narrated while walking with Kisame and Itachi. "She turned to her possible lovers and asked if they almost arrived." The pair kept on walking, ignoring her. "Alas, they shun the poor pregnant women and kept to themselves. Perhaps they have something to hide from her?"

"Perhaps they are annoyed," Itachi stated, earning himself a high five from Kisame.

"Perhaps they want to shred her to pieces," Kisame added, pounding Itachi's fist in return.

"Now they make fun of her! Unfortunately, the poor maiden could not hear their words of hurt as she was suffering from pregnancy things. Ohhhhh she moaned in sweet pain, collapsing on the forest floor." Kisame turned around and rolled his eyes. He took the end of his sword and lifted her on it. If his sword was hungry, it wasn't his fault.

"The pain is too much, the pregnant lady whispered before passing out on her hero's weapon. Maybe when she returns to her lover she will regain her energy and fight on!"

"What a time to pass out," Kisame laughed. "I can see the base from here."

* * *

"Deidara," Sasori whispered. "Make some clay birds and get us away from her."

"I can hear you," Furry Sue stated. "Super cat ears."

"Don't worry, yeah," Deidara stated releasing a white glob on the ground. It took the form of a mouse and scurried in front of Furry.

"Food," she yelled chasing after the thing. Deidara produced a clay bird from him and Sasori to escape from.

"Now to make it art," Deidara laughed. "Katsu!" A small explosion appeared from where Furry was. "Did I get her, un?"

"Food!" Deidara turned around to see the cat thing jumping at his bird. "Birds are so much tastier than mice!"

"Pull up," Sasori commanded. Deidara nodded and the bird flew up into the sky. It flew far and fast away from her, both passengers hoping she couldn't follow.

* * *

"When is your birthday," Zetsu asked.

"April twentieth, the most Angsty day ever."

"July twenty fifth, the most super awesomest day ever."

"They can't even get their birthday right," Konan sighed, placing her face in her hands. "How about," Konan paused seeing Kakuzu flying at their small table. He was foaming at the mouth and had fire burning in his eyes.

"Pein," he yelled. Konan and Zetsu backed away from the table as Pein lifted his head off of it, yawning a bit. "It's your fault!" Pein lifted his hand up to Kakuzu.

"Almighty push," Pein sighed, making Kakuzu fly into a wall. "Nice to see you too."

"Whoa what did you do to that ass," Hidan asked.

"Yeah, we were just getting him to convert too," Girl Hidan added. Pein, Zetsu and Konan did a double take. "Take a picture losers, it will last longer! Jeesh."

"Don't be so full of yourself," Hidan scoffed.

"Can't help I'm so fucking sexy."

"Well you did take it from the sexiest immortal ever."

"Bitch you took it from me!"

"Are you fucking kidding me! Your the one who stole my identity!"

"I've been serving Jashin for years!"

"I've been serving Jashin for years!"

"Why," Kakuzu cried.

"Kakuzu, shut the fuck up you pussy. Just when I thought you would be an almost decent person by converting you pull this bullshit! Look at," the Hidans were cut off by an on coming clay bird and a very hungry cat neko demon thing.

"Hit the deck," Deidara yelled, jumping off the bird with Sasori. The Hidans got stuck in the clay as it looped around the base and back outside. Furry followed it, running on all fours. "Katsu!" A huge explosion echoed outside of the base. "We did it, un!"

"Sick of yours too," Itachi asked from behind Deidara, startling him a bit.

"When did you get here," Pein asked.

"Hn." Itachi answered. Best he doesn't know.

"Damn it all," Sasori muttered, seeing their Sue walk into the base.

"I smelt fish so I stopped chasing the bird," she stated.

"What the fuck," A gentle and soothing voice echoed from outside. This calming voice was emitting from the Hidans who were now a scattered mess of body parts.

"Kakuzu, you shit head come and fix us."

"Get off your lazy ass right now motherfucker!"

Kakuzu got up and closed the door, now only able to hear their muffled pleas for help. This brought his blood pressure down significantly.

"Kakuzu," Pein said, scratching his chin. "Go fix them, I need to find out your Sue's power."

This skyrocketed his blood pressure right back up. He clenched his fist and threw the door open.

"You two are so getting it," Kakuzu screamed, as the door started closing. The last the Akatsuki could see was the look of fear in the Hidans' eyes.

* * *

**Author's note: **My contest entry for LoVe-WiLl-fInD-a-WaY's contest. The prompt: a one-shot story that is really unique but uses cliché's. Info about Mary Sues was gathered from Encyclopedia Dramatica. Awesome site, check it out. Link on my profile.


End file.
